i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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