I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
