i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
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Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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