okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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