i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
