please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
