in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
