we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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