my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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