at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
