Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
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You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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