I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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