I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
