She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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