I wish I could teleport
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
