Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
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So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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