So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
