genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
