do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
