When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This house was built for laser tag.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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