Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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