Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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