I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
