i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
