just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She's the barista slut.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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