my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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