I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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