We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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