i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
