Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
