i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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