im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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