I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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