the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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