just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
