I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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