I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Enjoy the penises
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
