Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
