i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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