youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
