Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What drink are we having for lunch?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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