I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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