i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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