In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
