Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
