I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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