I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
