If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
