I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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