Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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