hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
